Rating almost EVERY World of Warcraft Murloc EVER

There's a theory about the nature of celebrity which suggests that, whatever age the person reaches the height of their fame is the emotional age they remain at thereafter. And since I am a rich and famous video games journalist who came to prominence in the late 00s, there's only two things on my mind. Why haven't we brought back those rad, super baggy jeans JNCO made and the World of Warcraft Murloc.

The Murloc is a noble beast that captured my heart and mind upon first sight--and multiple deaths. While most hate these gang warfare fish/frog/man monstrosities with all of their might, I prefer to love them with all of my heart.

And love comes in many ways, like buying too much Murloc merchandise and erecting a shrine in your office.

However, that obsession of mine will finally come in handy today. Join me on a slippery, slimy journey as we detail and catalog every single Murloc in existence and rate them on an easily digestible scoring rubric.

[Editor's note: I've been told by the esports.gg head offices that we don't have the budget or word count to rate literally every Murloc in the known universe. So, instead I'll kind of just do this until we land on a good stopping point. Life isn't fair.]

This pathetic creature is a custom Murloc plush I came across long ago. I saved the page like a wine mom bookmarking a Williams and Sonoma catalog on a Tuesday afternoon. However, I never pulled the trigger on this wonderful, awful, beautiful mistake against God.

I'd like to imagine this would be a Murloc in World of Warcraft if they were bred like designer dogs. Like a slimy version of the english bulldog or pug. I fear gazing into his eyes, and yet I cannot look away out of shame for his miserable existence. Maybe he tastes good, I don't know.

Regardless, I pity him.

The Rating (out of five)

The white whale of Murloc toys, once thought a myth. Created in 2008 and sold by former Blizzard merch partner JINX, this recreation of the OG Murloc design is beautiful and wondrous to behold. Like Gandalf the White emerging back into the battlefield so does this rare beast appear in my room.

For years the only way to get one was paying out the nose on secondary market reseller sites like eBay or Mercari. However, I managed to grab one--still in the box, no less--this year for half the asking price.

I will pass this World of Warcraft Murloc down to my children as a priceless heirloom. Then curse them from Hell when they chuck it in a dumpster while cleaning out my nursing home room.

The Rating

The return of BlizzCon in 2023 also meant the return of Murloc merchandise. In this case, we're talking about the talking Murloc hat, in one of three colors. You too can have a Murloc-skin hat sitting upon your crown like George Washington's powdered wig. Unless you didn't go to BlizzCon.

As it turns out, running a World of Warcraft podcast finally paid off. I was able to have a listener of the show snag me this rare specimen from Anaheim. Now, if I only had a social function where it was socially acceptable to wear a bright blue fish-thing on my noggin.

However, I did pay sixty bucks for this thing. I never claimed to make sound financial decisions.

The Rating

Released under the Wonderworks Toy Shop line of plushies by Blizzard in the late 00s, this World of Warcraft Murloc toy is special. While it may not appear as though it's an actual Murloc, this toy is actually a clever reference to the in-game world. Children around Stormwind and Orgrimmar can be seen carrying around this exact plush, designed to look like a homemade plushie.

It's also a rare item, now going for upwards of $200 dollars. Here's hoping that with its button-eyes it doesn't come to life at Christmas like Frosty the Snowman.

We now delve into World of Warcraft itself to rate the most prominent Murlocs of note.

A perfect, moist cherub of beauty. Long have many blood-thirsty adventurers had their hearts melted by the chirping sounds of Murloc tadpoles gleefully splashing around Azeroth. Blizzard took their weaponizing of Murloc cuteness even further this year by selling a transmog set that allows players to place one of the little butterballs on your back.

I shall defend the world of the World of Warcraft from all foes, and this includes Cthulhu monsters, invading hordes of Orcs, and evil undead waifus. However, if I have to choose between a baby Murloc and Azeroth I'm stabbing the planet with a sword bigger and rustier than the one Sargeras used in Legion.

The Rating

Technically a normal, run of the mill Murloc--but with a twist. After all, what is the new WoW Classic Season of Discovery if not full of surprises? Well, consider me surprised, as my beginning journey out in Tirisfal Glades saw me stumble across a Murloc fully frozen in ice.

What's going on? Did I stumble onto a fish market of some kind? Is this beautiful baby about to suffer a horrible end? Apparently, this is one of the many new secrets in the Season of Discovery, with this one hiding a rune for Warlocks.

What makes it all the worse is that the poor thing is still blinking and looking around while frozen. Someone call PETA, it's time to act.

The Rating

Waiting at the end of the Wailing Caverns is one last challenge. One of the first dungeons that players used to tackle in Vanilla WoW, it's final boss is the worst nightmare of any newbie killed out at Crystal Lake in Elwynn Forest.

Mutanus the Devourer is a hulking, translucent Murloc who emerges from the depths after awaking a Druid from his eternal slumber. And while not a hard encounter, it is a shock waiting for something to happen and seeing this primordial beast arise from the water, twice your size.

The Rating

Coming to us from the Hearthstone universe is a fine gent, indeed. Sir Finley Mrrgglton is one of the few known Murlocs able to speak Common and has long been a fixture of the Hearthstone story. A daring do-gooder seeking adventure, he's just as likely to make you a cup of tea as he is to steal your treasure.

It's actually funny, because Sir Finley does appear in World of Warcraft as well. However, in WoW he's just a normal Murloc wearing a safari hat. Hardly fitting of such a dapper friend.

The Rating

No Murloc is more near and dear to my heart than Murky from Heroes of the Storm. One-half joke, another part frustrating abomination, Murky's introduction to the MOBA scene was not taken well. You remember that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where they see the cute rabbit and assume everything is safe? Then, that bunny jumps forward and bloodily rips a dude to shreds?

That's Murky. Blizzard's very own Mickey Mouse. Able to hide a shell around the map and respawn after death, he actually has the lowest health pool in the game. However, this doesn't mean he's not a threat.

Categorized in-game as an Assassin, Murky is able to take down lane towers all on his own while also popping out of the shadows to solo almost any non-Tank character.

And I love him. I want Blizzard to bring Heroes of the Storm back purely so I can harass a new generation of players by slapping them with a shark, over and over. I can think of no better mascot for Blizzard than this slimy, annoying, wonderful weirdo.

The (perfect) Rating

Stay tuned to esports.gg for esports news and Murloc-based information.